Near You Always
by cherryXbomb
Summary: Ellie goes through a hard time thinking about Sean. SeanEllie One Shot


**Title: **Near You Always

**Author: **cherryXbomb

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Degrassi or the song "Near You Always." The song belongs to Jewel and the show belongs to Epitome pictures. In fact, I own nothing so if you sue me, you might just get like one CD or something.

**Author's Note:** I generally would write this song for Spaige but I was in the mood for a Shellie fic. I might write this song to Spaige later.

**Summary: **"But Sean, I love you." That was your feeble attempt at protesting him leaving. That was your feeble attempt to protect your heart from being broken by your first love.

Please don't say I love you 

_Those words touch me much too deeply_

_And they make my core tremble_

_Don't think you realize the power you have over me_

"But Sean, I love you." That was your feeble attempt at protesting him leaving. That was your feeble attempt to protect your heart from being broken by your first love.

"I love you too." He had to say those words. He had to make you feel a hundred times more pain.

You didn't talk on the entire way home. Jay and Emma were sad too; you know this. But they hadn't just had their heart broken into a million pieces. It hurt you worse than when Marco told you he was gay. It hurt you more than anything, even your father leaving to go overseas. But Emma was right. He had to do this. You realized this deep down in your heart. But didn't make things easier.

For the rest of grade 11, you mourned over your broken heart. You talked to him a few times on the phone. He always said that he loved you. He always said he'd come back. You wished desperately that these weren't lies. You wished desperately that Ashley still was just down the street, instead of across the ocean. You would've loved to talk to her about everything that Sean said in the few minutes that you talked on the phone. Instead, you talked to Craig.

_And please don't come so close_

_It just makes me want to make you near me always_

Sean surprised you near the end of summer. He showed up at your mother's house with the smile that you saw so rarely, yet saw every night in your dreams. He carried a single black rose, something he had promised to get you the entire time you were together. It carried so much meaning in that little rose. It was a fulfillment of a promise, as was his visit.

But you were angry at him. You yelled at him. You hated him for leaving. You cried and screamed and told him to get out. He dropped the rose and did leave. You ran upstairs and did something you hadn't done in months. You cut yourself, letting yourself get lost in the crimson escape. But it didn't help. All it did was make you remember grade 10 on the rooftop, when he touched your scabs. You started crying again. You wished your mother was home instead at an AA meeting.

Three days later, he came by once more to say that he was going back to Wasaga Beach.

_Please don't kiss me so sweet_

_It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow_

He gave you a good-bye kiss and told you good-bye. He promised to call you. You told him not to. That broke your heart all over again. You knew that you couldn't deal with the pain of talking to him. Not after that one kiss. That one kiss spoke volumes. It told of his pain and of the misery that he had been in since he left you. It told you of the own pain and misery that you suffered without him. All you wanted was another kiss. Instead, you ran to group and cried to Craig.

_And please don't touch me like that_

_It makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow_

Craig held you in his arms, but it wasn't the same. You had a crush on him, but it wasn't something real. For one thing, he was with your best friend. For another thing, he wasn't Sean. You yearned to be held in Sean's arms, but you had closed that door to him. You yearned to go home after group and call him and apologize. You wanted so badly to call him and tell him to come home. He could stay on your couch. It didn't matter. He belonged here with you. But you didn't.

You didn't want to suffer the heartbreak again.

_Please don't look at me like that_

_It just makes me want to make you near me always_

That night, Sean's face haunted your dreams. You could see the pain vividly in his eyes when you told him that you didn't want him to call you or to come see you anymore. You replayed the scene of you telling him to leave over and over again in your mind, like a broken reel at a cheap movie theater. Each time you felt a stabbing pain in your gut. Nothing could help you now. Not cutting, not Craig, not group. Nothing but Sean could help you.

But you wanted to try. So you e-mailed Ashley and you IM'ed Marco all night. He made you feel a little better. Finally, around 3 in the morning, he had to go to sleep and told you he'd be over in the morning to talk to you in person, preferably over breakfast. You agreed. It would get your mind off of Sean for a few moments.

_Please don't send me flowers_

_They only whisper the sweet things you'd say_

Months passed and you didn't talk to Sean. On the night of your senior prom, a bouquet of flowers arrived at your house, red and black long-stemmed roses. The card was blank but you knew who they were from. He had told you, years ago, that senior prom would be the night he splurged and bought you everything you wanted. But what you wanted he couldn't provide.

He couldn't give you the strength to get over him. He couldn't give you the dream world back in which you two had lived. You lived with him like miniature adults in an apartment without parents. You were practically married in the minds of all your friends. You were the only people in your grade that didn't live with their parents. You were the first people to live together at Degrassi. But nothing could bring that back. Sean couldn't give that back to you.

_Don't try to understand me_

_Your hands already know too much anyway_

_It just makes me want to make you near me always_

He showed up at senior prom. You were sure that you saw him lurking for a few minutes, in his signature gray hoodie. But you blinked and he was gone. Soon you were convinced that it was a hallucination. Sean hadn't came to prom to sweep you off your feet. He didn't come at all. He just provided you with beautiful flowers, which now were in a vase in your bedroom. You smiled over at Marco, who had taken you to prom, and excused yourself to the bathroom. Paige followed… of course.

"Ellie, hon, what's wrong?" she asked, sitting next to you on one of the gross locker room benches.

"Sean," you replied simply. You didn't have any clue why you would spill your guts to Paige. You didn't have anything in common with her, besides of course your friendship with Marco and weekly appointments with Miss Sauve.

"You miss him?" she asked, her blue eyes softening.

You sigh. Now is the time when you have a choice. You can lie or you can tell the truth. You can admit that you have never stopped loving him and wait to see what Paige would say or you could just tell about the flowers with a sense of detachment. Before you even had time to consider what you'd do, you nodded.

"That's natural," Paige stated simply. "I miss Spin all the time. But one day you'll get over him."

"Do you really think that's true?" you ask.

"No," Paige admitted. "Seeing Spinner out there dancing with that Christian harlot is killing me. But the thing is, you don't have to see the love of your life dancing with some Friendship Club loser."

You blink at Paige. You really don't understand this pep talk. All you can muster in your confusion is a simple, "Huh?"

"Call him Ellie. If you still love him, try."

She left you to your thoughts. Five minutes later you emerged from the locker room to find Sean Cameron standing outside waiting.

_And when you look in my eyes _

_Please know my heart is in your hands_

"Paige said you were in there," he told you with a smile.

You smile back, not knowing what to say. Instead you give him the smallest of kisses on the lips.

_It's nothing that I understand but when in your arms_

_You have complete power over me_

You walked over to your friends… well Marco's friends with your hand intertwined with Sean's. Marco smiled, giving you silent permission to abandon him as his prom date. Besides, he was flirting with Tim, the guy from drama club who spurred Marco to come out. You smiled over at Paige who smiled back. But you noticed she wasn't paying much attention to you. She was paying attention to Spinner and Darcy, the Christian harlot, arguing quietly in a corner.

_So be gentle if you please 'cause_

_Your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth_

You dance with Sean for the rest of the dance. The last song came on the radio and you had an idea. No matter how horrible the last slow song was, it would be your song with Sean. You whispered this into his ear and he nodded in agreement. The lyrics rang through, telling of your love for him. Telling of everything you had felt for the last year. You hated the artist but you knew you'd buy the CD. This song now meant something.

_And it makes me want to make you near me always_

But nothing meant more than the announcement Sean made after the limo you shared with Marco and the others dropped you off.

"I'm home for good El," he told you.

You felt so much happiness rise inside of you.

"How?" you ask.

"I got our apartment back."

_I want to be near you always_

Monday at school you feared that Sean's return would've been a dream. That Sunday night, after spending the whole day with you, he would've gone back to Wasaga. Nothing was better than when you saw him talking to Marco at your locker.

_I want to be near you always_

Graduation came and Sean asked you to move back in with him. You were legally an adult. You were no longer in high school. This time you discussed it with your mother and she agreed, as long as you didn't get pregnant before college. You laughed and assured your mother that this wouldn't happen. You were, after all, on the pill. And you and Sean had decided to wait awhile before you had sex again. You wanted the bond to be back and stronger than ever. So did he. And that night, you decided the bond was stronger than it had ever been. You had never been happier in your life. Except, of course, when you saw your father's face peering up at you from the audience at graduation. For the first time in years, you were truly genuinely happy.

_I want to be near you always_


End file.
